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Are You an Attractive Introvert? - Christie Hartman, PhD

Date: 2018-05-13 09:06

About two weeks ago, I (f, 88) met a guy on the "Whisper" app. He said his name was Jim, he was 86 years old and lived in Texas. I live in Germany and I am German.
He seemed very nice and we connected really well right from the beginning. I texted with him for about five days in a row for several hours every night and enjoyed it very much. He told me that he was a computer network architect who worked from home. When I said that I think that he must be very intelligent because I could never do a job like his, he told me that I was so full of compliments that night. When I replied that I didn't want to come across as slimy, he told me: "You dont. You just seem like a girl who might be falling for a guy." Even though this wasn't the case for me (I cannot fall for someone who I haven't met in person), in order to tease him a *censored* bit, I replied: "Maybe. for a guy like you.".
To this he answered: "I'm hoping. Because I'm really falling for you!" Now in hindsight it really seems odd that someone would write something like this after having texted for only a few days. But then I somehow really believed him.
One evening when we were in the middle of texting again, he wrote all of a sudden: "I have bad news. My mom just called. She thinks my Dad is having a heart attack. She dialed 966. I have to go over there immediately." He promised me that he would write me the following day (Friday), which he actually did. He told me that his Dad had actually had a heart attack and was now in hospital in intensive care and that a bypass surgery was planned for the following day (Saturday). The next time I heard from him was Sunday night. He texted me: "I don't know how to say this. My Dad didn't make it. He didn't even make it to the surgery but passed late Friday night." He also wrote that he was very busy and that it would take him a day or two until he could be on "Whisper" again. I completely believed what he told me and I didn't expect him to text me until a few days later. To my surprise, he already texted the following night again, saying that he was having a few minutes alone and that he would be glad if we could talk for a *censored* while. He told me a *censored* bit about the funeral arrangements and other things he and his family were occupied with at the moment. He was very sweet in what he wrote (he said it was so nice talking to me and that I was so sweet etc.) but also seemed really drained and devastated. Of course, I believed the things he told me and tried to comfort him. At some piont he said that he should leave before long but didn't want to, so we continued texting further. After about another five minutes he wrote: "I better go. I wish I could talk all night, but family calls." I responded how much I had enjoyed talking to him that night and that I wished I could be there with him in this difficult time to comfort him.
But he never responded again! He jhas completely disappeared since then. No "Good night" or "Talk to you soon" or anything like that on this night and not a single sign from him since then.
I already had a strange feeling that night when I didn't get a real goodbye from him, since he always used to wish me a good night before leaving. Then again, I thought that he was probabaly too devastated to pay attention to such things in this difficult time. I texted him the following night and asked if he was ok. (Of course I didn't expect long text messages from him at that point. I just wanted to know how he was doing.) No response! Then, for the following days I texted him again that I was missing him and that I was worried about him and just wanted to know if he was okay. Again no response (but also no blocking on his part.) He has just remained completely silent since he wrote me: "I better go." this one night. Today marks the 8th day since I last heard from him and after having sent him another message last night, I have now decided not to write him again and have also deleted our conversation. By doing this I am not able to contact him any longer the only way of getting in contact again would be if he texted me. But I don't think this will happen.

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Anna I can completely relate to you! I have been wracking my brain for years as to why I can 8767 t just be given the same open armed greeting and level headed conversations with people as everyone else, when I walk into a room. I truly do not feel like I am better than anyone else, I take good care of myself and care about other people. However, when I walk into a room filled with men or women, the men almost become shy (even blush!) and either avoid talking to me or seem uncomfortable. The women cask dirty looks or give off that 8775 fake 8776 niceness while we interact. I find it really hard to make good close friends because it 8767 s almost like people don 8767 t want to give me a chance. I 8767 ve actually developed a lot of anxiety because of this I feel. :/
I too have realized that I have to overcompensate for other people 8767 s initial reactions by making the first move with men and women, and being overly friendly and courteous, but it is tiring! I wish people were not so judgmental!
I often wish I could see myself as other people do, because although I don 8767 t think that I 8767 m ugly, I do not think I am a 8775 strikingly beautiful 8776 as people say. Yet, I think that perhaps . are almost more beautiful (dare I say) BECAUSE we are not arrogant? Inner beauty amps up outer beauty I think, and all I want is for everyone to appreciate the beauty in everyone else and not be so caught up in being competitive!
I liked your point about the possibility of us being introverted because of the reactions we 8767 ve been given socially because of 8775 the way we look 8776 . I know I definitely have walls up because of the amount of times I have been met with hostility while simply approaching someone with good intent.
It 8767 s interesting though, when I walk through the mall or down a street, and I see other women becoming increasingly more uncomfortable the closer I get, I look at them, smile with my eyes and heart, and 655% of the time, they genuinely smile back at me, almost like they are relieved I 8767 m not a bitch and have accepted them in my presence instead of trying to intimidate them (which I never had any intent of doing)! That sounds as if I am very full of myself, but it 8767 s weird and true!! I don 8767 t know why people see me the way they do, but I guess instead of looking at our . condition as a 8775 curse 8776 we can try to figure out it 8767 s purpose and perhaps do 8775 good 8776 and teach people that not all 8775 attractive 8776 people are mean! Especially in today 8767 s society where that is definitely promoted. I believe that inner beauty is FAR more important than outer beauty, I just wish more people could look past the outer shell (not matter how it looks, good or bad) and value who a person is on the inside. I think this means people need to be more patient with one another and stop jumping to conclusions.

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Hello, I read ur full story. I think you are the opposite of me although we share sth in common, I am also an observant girl when I am dating online, which is what I am doing now. However, I would do the opposite if I found out the guy I am with is doing all these dating app things behind me. In fact I think your boyfriend is not only a selfish dude but also an immature grown-up, he is throwing away things he keeps claiming to be his favorite and eternity, uf he s a grown-up and he knows he needs you to be around, he should just make up his mind and do what 8767 s the best for both of you, but he doesn 8767 t. if I were you I 8767 d have dumped him already no matter how much I still love him, and I believe many of your friends who truly care about u have told you that already. I understand you don 8767 t need anyone to tell you to leave a guy like him although he 8767 s obviously taking you for granted, but I think there is a way you can help yourself, that is try to 8775 concentrate on yourself 8776 instead of making yourself look like a miserable wife who 8767 s always waiting for his return, have you thought of this, besides his ego boost and maybe sexual need which motivate him to go online to talk to other girls, you 8767 re also one of the reason why he keeps doing it? Cause he knows you will forgive him and wait for his return, each time you argue with him he only sees it as a time to brake for a while, and then after he has 8775 settled 8776 you down he would go on to do more of what he really wants to. You have made him feel like you will never leave, and he can always get you back as long as he stops it for a while. What I mean is, dress up and make up urself everyday, keep yourself in the best condition, and go out to meet friends and new guys, and let him see these changes! I donno if you have thought about this? I don 8767 t think he fell in love with you becuz of the way you act when you get jealous, if you rewind back your memory, I bet he was attracted to you becuz you were a pretty confident girl when he just met you. If you want to make him become obsess with you, you should just go back to the one you were before, the one who attracted this guy to fall in love with you. I am not telling you to cheat on him, and I think you can 8767 t cuz you sound like a loyal gf and I think no one can easily change your mind, only you could change your own mind and make changes to your life. If you have ever heard of law of attraction, it says the same thing, if you want to get someone back, you shall stop thinking of this person all the time but think of what you can do to make yourself happier (this is the hardest, you can 8767 t just do it as if u r really doing it , but still think of him 79/7, you have to do it as if you are really into loving yourself more and more), trust me people are attracted to people who love themselves deeply, and you proved it already by how much you love a self-centered man, so just copy his way and love yourself more, meet more people, by the time when he realizes you can live well without having his attention, that is the time he realizes how much you are worth and comes back to you.

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Of course I agree with you, eventhough it 8767 s 7 years later *censored* But from what I notice on these dating websites, espeacially POF the majority of the females there are 8775 fake 8776 and totally 8775 cruel 8776 , and are looking to take advantage of 8775 men 8776 , so when I see people talk with such hatred against them, I 8767 m starting to see it as self defense, and revenge. Part of me wants to say 8775 good for you! don 8767 t let these btches fk with you, and fk with them instead to teach them a lesson! 8776 but at the same time, I worry and see how messed up of a habbit that is to play that game. Like seriously why bother? Why not just ditch all those grimy btches, and just look for girls who are down to earth? I know it gets lonely and is hard to find good girls, but they are out there waiting for good guys. Why settle for 8775 bad 8776 girls where you feel a certain level of hatred for them, just to pass the time until you find a girl that is great for you? like fk I see guys get fkd over so often, and it makes me so mad that they keep chassing after girls who disrespect them and treat them badly. If being a player is the only way some guys need to be in order to feel strong, independant, and not be taken advantage of cuz they 8767 re not the victim anymore, they 8767 re the predator. then good luck with that, fools *censored* like really good fkn luck if you guys enjoy sticking your dck into something you don 8767 t even respect, you might as well fk a raw piece of meat at the grocery store. you might as well be a ho fkn all these tricks for the money like seriously though, this is what you need to do in order to feel big? play games? like are you a fkn cheerleader? is this high *censored*? do you feel like such a geek that the prospect of being 8775 the popular *censored*s 8776 is so appealing to you that you 8767 re down to play mind games just to feel successful in the social sexual world? Fk man this shit is so fake *censored* Let me tell you guys something. The best way to put a btch in her place, is not to stoop to her level and play her game to win it. The best thing you can do, which also feels like the BIGGEST insult ever honestly, is to look in her eyes as you notice she 8767 s doing it, and just walk away from her. Ditch that btch. I tell you not, that right there will hit her on such a deep level *censored* it will make her feel like a fkn moron and a loser, and it will make you seem like a BOSS because you don 8767 t take no crap from no one! And not only do you not take it, but you also don 8767 t give it, because you are fkn real. you do what you want, and play no ones foolish games, because you are a real man and nobody can fk with you!

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